Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
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For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats