*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
You Might Also Like
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*