Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
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The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
pizza
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
a public service announcement
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.