Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
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Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger