I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
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My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
My Dad’s TV exploded, sparks and smoke, the whole 9 yards. I of course used this as an opportunity to tell him if took better care of his things and didn’t watch rubbish, none of this would have happened.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.