[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
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man: wait
time: no
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
Every work meeting this week
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.