2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
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Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
live, laugh, laundry.
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*