“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
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My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
Art by Pastelkatto
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche