I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
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thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
Yup
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off