Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
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For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.