[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
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I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.