” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
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HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
girls literally only want one thing..
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
how much does a mortician urn in a year
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
Wednesday
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.