For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
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“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.