If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
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The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
What do you hear?
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
Is fake venison called venisn’t
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
and now we wait
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
If I ignore life will it go away?
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.