How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
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people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid