My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
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Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me