Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
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If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”