[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
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Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
happy valentine’s day to me
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different