Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
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Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
I’m giving up for Lent.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
all that yoga finally paid off
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.