My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
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my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes