Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
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Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
Botany good plants lately?
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered