* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
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My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?