Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
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The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast