dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
You Might Also Like
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign