It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
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ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.