The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
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Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere