Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
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what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*