I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
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You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
How dude HOW?!
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit