It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
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I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will