Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
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Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
The point of your 20s
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it