First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
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DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.