Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
You Might Also Like
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.