Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
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My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.