If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
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[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.