there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
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*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.