good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
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If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
he looks great for his age
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”