I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
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me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.