I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
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I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.