when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
You Might Also Like
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.