WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
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HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks