I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
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As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho