Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
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Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.