[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
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I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
*pronounces fake like saké*
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
This rocks
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.