Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
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MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
For those that worship cheese..
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!