Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
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“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
my one true gender
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.