STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
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Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
yes, those are my real potatoes.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.