Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
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I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
Harsh but fair
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
is nasa ok
Oh my god
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?