[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
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After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.