*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
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What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
I’m awake but I object,
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…