me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
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“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
Tuesday
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
LMAO.
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”